the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
