Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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