i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
