I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
