Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
