Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
