I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
