did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
