In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think my vagina is haunted
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
