i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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