and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
