if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
