if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
