just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
