clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
