Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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