i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Success! We fucked roommates!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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