I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
