Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
