Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
