I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
