Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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