Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
