ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
