at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
