is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
