Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
