wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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