Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
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Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
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If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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