I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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