I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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