we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
