I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
