I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
