Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
