I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
