Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
