I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
