don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
