Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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