she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
