I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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