Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
