dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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