rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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