I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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