i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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