There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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