I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
