OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
