He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
