saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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