census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i think i just lost a toe
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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