wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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