I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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