see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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