Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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