Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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