there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
