you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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