Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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