You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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